After a brief respite, there was little else we could do other than invite him back.  There is something here which smells like the unwanted new movie franchise, Mr Hummels strikes again. Mr Hummels rides! Mr Hummels goes hard. Wheeled out like an old veteran, except that we still demand active service. Also, veterans offer poignant reminders once a year, however nobody visits this site once-a-year. Veterans also leave behind memorials, physical spaces which remind us of the great deeds and ideas which individuals can come to represent. Mr Hummels would only leave behind MrHummels.com. A poorly constructed wordpress, replete with spelling mistakes and ‘jokes’.  Ergo, active service, Mr Hummels!

Mr Hummels returns in …

Mr Hummels: Wheelhouse of Fire! 

In most surplus to requirement sequels we see the old heroes joints crack, the dusting off of an old costume and the re-emergence of a familiar foe. Here it is no different as I brush off the laptop and crack the knuckles. I am a keyboard warrior. It is my destiny. And the old foe?

It’s well within my wheelhouse.  We’ve seen it before, and this time it’s similar again still. Of course you know who I’m talking about, a crack team assembled to make us all miserable and cynical.  As the credits roll we see a montage – Firstly, there is a Return Home (RH) having spent lots of time away in London. Mr Hummels has a strange, convoluted relationship with this strange and important character to our story whose ultimate polarity will be revealed in a spin-off franchise called Life.

RH is disturbed by the malevolent villain of the piece, British Representative Democracy (BRD). Back again despite the best efforts of the fixed term parliaments act and Mr Hummels minute-by-minute news (an old Mr Hummels escapade). BRD really is shit, cunning and ultimately depressing and we see RH and BRD wrestle briefly before the signature Mr Hummels credits roll. The fate of RH and BRD is unresolved but we are introduced to the familiar Hero who is lying still in Mexico City.

As BRD and RH are quite a distance from Mexico City, evil for Mr Hummels is more readily manifest as frequent and violent skirmishes with Mexican Food Poisoning (MFP), considered dead yet back to life with a vengeance. Mr Hummels succumbs to a terrible injury, his first hemorrhoids. Now we understand the title! 

As Mr Hummels battles valiantly to overcome  MFP in the first act, we are thrown into a back story. Mr Hummels watches unhappily as his boyhood football club succumb time and again to late equalising goals or results which would have been unheard of in the not so distant past. Mr Hummels relationship with RH is put under extreme stress when he goes time and again to Hibernian games only to see the a string of draws. Ultimately the memory is punctuated by the departure of Hibernian manager Paul Heckingbottom whose clear talent in man management and communication was let down by his inability to engage fully with the Mighty Scottish Premiership. An insistence in playing two “high-energy” centre midfielders  (Gerrard-and-Lampard-esque and with similar results) – showed inflexibility, as did regular outings for Mallan at RM. The release of two senior holding/defensive mids further highlighting his lack of understanding of MSP The reluctance to play Kamberi showed stubbornness to many fans, yet it seems understandable as he also seems like a petulant jerk at times. Ultimately, Heckingbottom didn’t provide Hibs fans with a team which looked consistently like his team – frequently riddled with changes it showed his ability as a manager on Fifa perhaps, however it rarely demonstrated the nous he wanted to show in real life,  attempting to out think opponents – rather than playing Hibs’ own football. These were the critiques anyway, some valid, some not so and Heckingbottom was axed. The black and white memory fades to reveal the present – Mexico City.

Eventually overcoming MFP, Mr Hummels gets the sense that all is well for a brief moment. He receives news that Hibs won for the first time after Paul Heckingbottom left, playing two up top… He thinks fondly of time spent with RH. Perhaps the trouble in Mexico City is over and he will be be re-acquainted with RH and all will be well.

Not so fast Mr Hummels!

We are shown that BRD is gathering pace- A shock winter election!. But that’s not it.  Mr Hummels reveals the identity of our true foe – accidentally turning on the Mexican television and understanding something for once. Mr Hummels watches a surprising and truly dispiriting coup in Bolivia where President Evo Morales is forced to seek refuge in Mexico. Meanwhile, protests erupt across the globe in places Mr Hummels has been -Bolivia, Catalunya, Santiago de Chile. It all makes sense! It’s that motherfucking Neoliberalism! It was the one meddling with BRD and making it act like a cunt.

Mr Hummels is up against it!

Into the final act of this old favorite, Mr Hummels is buoyed by the selection of Jack Ross as the new Hibernian manager. Perhaps their combined strengths can help to fight Neoliberalism. (Directors cut – the ongoing neoliberalisation and gentrification of the club is shown – perhaps there is treachery there too?)

Mr Hummels decides that in order to fight neoliberalism he will publish a load of tired book reviews, twisty tales and short nonsensical essays. They hit home, every last one!

Go Mr Hummels!

As Neoliberalism and  BRD flail wildly, perhaps in their death throes, we witness Mr Hummels falter for a second. He realizes that some of the lifestyle pieces he posts are similar to the posts he wrote previously. What now? Will the beasts stay down?

It would appear so… We see peace return to the galaxy, Mr Hummels receives an adequate reward for his university studies, he learns spanish to an ok level in Mexico City and ultimately he is reunited with RH. No-one visits the site to read the reviews and stories Mr Hummels posted, but he is not bitter some heroes are anonymous, some graves unmarked….

As the credits roll we see Mr Hummels put down the laptop again. However a sophisticated graphic shows the flow of information from the keyboard all the way through the world wide web… to the headquarters of… Neoliberalism aka WordPress! He’s been infected all along! What’s more, the battle with BRD didn’t yield satisfactory results! And the time with Return Home was all a lie, a foil caused by Neoliberalism!
Boot up again, Mr Hummels!

(Directors cut  – also shows the evil side of Hibernian Football Club spinning into action)

The End… for now!

Mr Hummels will be back in Mr Hummels: Virus!

Expect a return from Mexican Food Poisoning, British Representative Democracy and Hibernian Football Club…

And introducing… Porno Pop-up! A memory erasing shopping advert! Neoliberalism’s worst henchman yet!