“Basically, I’m hoaching for a ride.” said Kev.
He was stood dripping in a poorly lit changing room; his back was aflame with backne, his chest stooped inward and a towel hid his banger.
“Aye well yer no gonnae get a ride oan that shite. The gear makes ye fuckin’ crabbit and ye cannae git it up.” said a voice from one of the stalls.
“Aye, I’m giein it up.” agreed Kev. “It’s gave me tits anyway.”
He gestured to the excess skin on his chest.
“Ye’ve said that before.” said the voice which was embodied in a fowl smell drifting from the scratched partition wall.
“Naw, I’m seerius this time. Watch…” Kev pulled a leather purse from his kit bag on the slatted bench in front of him and raised it up to throw to a bin.
A head popped out from the stall door watching Kev and simultaneously pulling up his trackies.
Kev stalled with the leather purse in his hand, it wasn’t that he didn’t want rid of the roids it was that there wasn’t a bin. John-Paul, who was only a voice moments before, started to make a familiar noise. “Hawwww….!”
Kev panicked slightly and adapted his technique from free-throw to hook-shot. He jacked the wallet over the partition wall with an easy bend of the elbow. The wallet soared over the wall, bounced once above the empty toilet paper holder and landed directly in the shatty toilet. John-Paul turned towards his throne and Kev rushed to his side.
“Ye’ll no want it back now anyway. I’ve no fuckin’ flushed.”
Kev put his hand on either side of the stall and peered in.
“Fuck sake man, whit the fuck have you been eatin?”
John-Paul sniggered.
“Am seerius man, that’s fuckin’ rank.”
“Well that’s you aff the gear anyway.”
Kev tiptoed back to his kitbag.
“A dinnae get it… Uv tried fuckin’ everythin. Fuckin’ gear, fuckin’ drink. Fuckin’… everythin.”
Kev sat with his elbows on his knees, distressed.
“Dinnae show me yer fuckin’ banger man.” laughed John-Paul as he squinted away from the open towel in front of him.
“Sorray man.” said Kev, looking dejected.
John-Paul couldn’t help but feel empathy for his friend, it wasn’t his fault he was useless with burds. Not everyone takes to weemin. Not everyone takes to roids, he thought as looked at Kevs sagging man boobs. Not everyone can be a shagger.
“Look… I’ll let ye intae sumthin here.”
Kev looked up reluctantly.
“Ye ken how um a janny at that fuckin’ uni. Wull, there’s a whole fuckin’ bildin devoteed to shaggin’.”
“Ayee?”
“Aye. Some fuckin’ biology nonsense, ken?”
“Aye.”
“Wull won of these fuckin’ boys came up to me when I’m cleaning up thur shite and starts tellin me about this new fuckin’ stuff thur makin” John-Paul is lowering his voice and leaning in to Kev, who instinctively does the same.
“Some new fuckin’ protein right, so I telt the boy I know about protein likes but he started sayin this is different. Makes you huge after just one fucking shake, aaand instead ae fuckin’ tits like wae gear, ye get fuckin’ shagger hormones.”
“Aye?”
“Aye like fuckin’ ferimoans or whatever. Burds are attracted to the scent ae ye.”
Kev is looking down at his chest.
“Sorray, I didnae mean ye’ve got tits.”
“Eh, nae bother.” Kev says softly but John-Paul keeps speaking.
“So, I wis thinkin about gettin ma hands oan sum. If ye catch ma drift?”
“Aye?”
“Aye?!”
“Fuck it, aye, why not?”
“Good man, I’v got the keys weme. Can fuckin go as soon as you put your fuckin’ banger away.” roars John-Paul suddenly, tearing away.
Kev looks down at his exposed penis below his breast tissue and quickly gets changed.

Kev traipses out of the changing room and out of the leisure centre. John-Paul’s car is the only one in the parking lot, it’s bright yellow paint stands up against the warm, dark grey of a thunderous Scottish evening. Only a couple of months ago the light of a spring night would have felt like a luxury yet now that summer was here it was taken for granted. Kev jumps into the passenger seat and John-Paul turns up the hardstyle.
The drive from the leisure centre to the campus building takes them through winding closed streets of dark wet sandstone, then through open green fields replete with biting insects and long, wet grass. Kevs legs fidget as they approach the service entrance.
“So whit’ll wae dae?”
“Howdya mean, uv goat keys. I’ll walk in, take some ae that protein an fuckin’ walk oot.”
“Aw, aye awright.”
John-Paul jumps out of his door and walks towards a sheltered door market ‘EXIT – Staff only’.
Kevs nerves get the better of him and he opens the car door and bolts up like a spring. “Should I no just cum wi ye?” He whispers and shouts to John-Paul.
John-Paul half shakes his head.
“Fuck sake, aye, mon’ then.”
John-Paul produces an access card and they make their way inside.
Kevs heart is racing, partly through the nervousness making his way past cages of tanks and bottles marked ‘highly flammable’ and ‘toxic’ and ‘poisonous’ and ‘hazard’, and partly because if he can get fuckin’massive then maybe he can get a fuckin’ ride.
John-Paul gestures down a dark corridor and they both make their way over bright linoleum floor lit only by ‘Exit’ signs. He turns to Kev and puts a finger across his mouth carefully, Kev nods to say he understands. The noise of his heart is deafening in the silent corridors and he follows John-Pauls lead implicitly as they enter a room and slowly approach a massive black container.
John-Paul gestures again for silence and Kev stands completely still as he watches his partner creep across the room.
Suddenly the lights come on and John-Paul yanks violently at the black wall before them. A cacophony of screaming monkeys awake behind the wall and cause Kev to have a minor arrhythmia. At the far side of the room, John-Paul wails with laughter and doubles over. Kev stares at the monkeys blankly as his heart slows again, his face is pale and his backne burns and itches under his shirt.
“Hawww, man. You should have seen your fuckin’ face, man. Fuckin’ belter man.”
“Aye.” Kev laughs stupidly. ‘Fuckin’ JP, should never of trusted the cunt,’ he thinks to himself.
“Though ye’d want to see these wee cunts, man. There fuckin’ mad.”
Kev turns to face the glass cage again and watches the aroused monkeys hopping around. In the corner a still monkey looks back at him, its head turning on an axis slightly.
“Freaky wee cunts.” Kev remarked.
“Aye man, the scientist I spoke tae says all they do is shag and fight and that. The fuckin’ good life man!” John-Paul flicks a switch by the cage and they disappear again into darkness.
“Doon here ya cunt” He calls to Kev as he disappears down the corridor again.
The pair enter a room down the hall marked ‘Protien Synthesis- No unauthorized personnel’.
“Here we fuckin’ go Kev boy. This is it. Prepare to start bein’ a fanny magnet. You’ll be fighting them off ye.” He goes to the corner of a desk and pulls out a set of keys from a stationary organiser then walks across the lab to a sealed glass and metal box with gloves inset.
“There you have it my good man, just inside ma glove compartment.” says John-Paul as he puts the keys into a hole on the top of the box, he turns them and the lights come on and a fan starts.
John-Paul puts his hands in the gloves and starts taking a scoop of protein from a large container in the box. Kev comes to the side of the glass to watch, peering in.
“How the fuck did you know about all ae this JP?”
“Dinnae you worry aboot that.” he says concentratedly, moving the powder to the corner of the container.
“Right, here we fucking go.” he takes his hands out of the container and reaches up to the keys and turns them again but is met with a sharp beep.
“Fuck sake” he tries again.
On an LED screen by Kevs face, red letters display the message “Log-in to workstation”.
John-Paul tries again as the message dawns on Kev.
“Here- look.” he says pointing at the small screen.
Kev takes a step back resigned and thankful.
‘Maybe ull jist text Shannon and we can go tae the filums again.’ he starts to think.
John-Paul steps back and suddenly bangs the side of the glass with his palm.
“Fuck sake, man.” he shouts.
“Dinnae bother man, lets jist go an get a maccys on the way back.” says Kev to console and cajole his friend.
John-Paul looks at him dead in the eye.
“Aye-fuckin-right man.” His hand darts in to his pocket and produces a rusted stanley knife with a broken plastic handle.
“Ahm no gettin’ fuckin ‘ beatin’ by a bunch ae fuckin’ stupid scientist cunts!” He ejaculates as his thumb forces the rusty blade out.
“Fuck sakes JP man!” shouts Kev as he takes several quick steps back.  “I thought you didnae carry a fuckin’ tool these days man?”
“Aye well, I fuckin dae.” he grunts as he approaches the glass container. He puts his left hand in the glove and rips it out towards himself.
“Whit are you daein JP?!”
He holds the disheveled rubber glove, which suddenly resembles a poorly applied condom on a prosthetic in a sex education class, in place with his left hand and swipes with his right hand. The rusty blade leaves a slash across the thick rubber and an exposed wire mesh.  He slashes again, ripping through the rubber and the wires. He slashes again then drops his knife in haste. The cheap plastic makes a shrill cry as it hits the ground. John-Paul takes both his hands and fits them into the hole, he pulls violently and the hole stretches wide, thin wires dangle either side. He pulls up the sleeve of his hooded jumper, revealing a tattoo in bold black ink – an ambigram of the word ‘Shagger’.
He forces his arm through the hole and bends it toward the beaker of powder, now awkwardly placed in the corner. Eventually he pulls the beaker through the hole like a serpent with an egg. Kev stands at his side bewildered and turns to face him as John-Paul triumphantly holds the powder keg in his hand.
“Fuckin’ hell JP!” Kev exclaims eventually, then laughs sheepishly.
John-Paul joins him and starts to pish himself, doubling over.
“Stupid science cunts, man.”
He straightens up, then hold out the protein to Kev.
“Well then man, there ye go.”
“Whit? Naw JP! I’m no takin’ that.”
“Aye ye fuckin’ ur, look at how much trouble I’ve jist been throough fir it. You need protein now anyway, your just ootae the gym. Plus, I dinnae need it, I get loadsa fanny.”
“Cumoan…” John-Paul reiterates, holding the beaker out.
“Fuck sakes.” says Kev as he accepts the gift. “Wull, ahm no takin’ it fuckin’ dry JP, nae chance.”
John-Paul turns on a sixpence and walks over to a sink in the corner, he grabs a mug with ‘i ❤ science’ on it and fills it from a thin tap.
Kev unwillingly accepts the final piece of the puzzle, beaten, he upends the beaker into the teacup. John-Paul passes him a spoon from the sink without comment and Kev beats the protein into the water.
On a molecular level something extraordinary happens, it resembles the spark or pure electricity you’d see if you were to put a plug into a dodgy extension lead which is still live. Or the neurosynaptic electric signals which constitute our thoughts. The protein, so daringly acquired by John-Paul, changes shape. The simple branch-chain amino acids turn in on themselves and begin to resemble themselves endlessly. The researchers, who had attempted earlier to explain a vague theory, years from fruition in research terms would have been fascinated to note that caffine residue from cheap nescafe plus excess soap from fairy liquid compound energize the shape and function of protein. However, the researchers were at home, cooking spaghetti bolognese from quorn. The spiraling, branching, growing and shrinking building block of human life quickly disappeared down Kevs throat. The mutated protein; fractal and beautiful under a microscope quickly enveloped Kev and his entire being. His mass grew and shrank simultaneously. He became a human black hole of sorts, his arms and chest wavered and shimmered slightly and he looked across to John-Paul who was gawping at him.
He looked down at his chest and felt pulsating waves tighten, he brought his shoulders back and felt his skin clear like a glacier pool. John-Paul, in furious confusion dropped to his knees and scuttled for the knife he’d dropped earlier. But it was too late, the growing, painful erection he had reached a point of no return and burst and he died instantaneously of blood loss. The blood caked itself over Kevs naked, magnificent body and absorbed itself inward.
Kev could not truly absorb what was occurring, nor would he ever. He attempted to get a bus back into town outside of the campus but the bus driver died instantaneously of erection malfunction and was absorbed into Kev.
Kev felt a new found confidence but was still not cognizant of the changes. He took a first step towards his home and felt his legs manipulate time and space, so that he was suddenly stood at his front door. This didn’t feel unusual, nothing felt anything anymore for Kev, he did as he pleased.  The first person to catch sight of him outside his home was Shannon, an ex-girlfriend who had dumped him for his inferior body mass and started the whole chain of events we now see happening. Kev  glanced down at her indifferently, he now stood twenty feet tall before Shannon, naked and glowing with a banger the size of a car. She felt herself inexplicably drawn to him and was soon completely absorbed. He continued on down the road and found himself at a club he’d always wanted to go to. It was a quiet tuesday night and the door staff weren’t expecting much. They came in from the porch area and dived across the road towards Kev, splatting against him, cock first. Kev continued on, unperturbed. He paid no heed to anyone else and slipped into the club, he’d not even noticed the bouncers who he’d just absorbed. He walked, in a single pace to the centre of the dance floor. The club cameras would later be recovered through computational techniques I cannot explain and the survivors would be able to trace what exactly had happened that night in Edinburgh.
Kev stood in the middle of the dance floor, the mirror ball above him, the lights moving repeatedly around him on Ladies night. He just stood. And all the women in the club, were drawn to him. Something iridescent about him. Their clothes were cast aside, those who could react to his presence, others went in fully clothed, en masse they dived at him, into him and he barley flickered a smile. He was a literal fanny magnet.

There were few survivors. His raw animal magnetism decimated populations across Western Europe and the Americas. Soon the East was drawn to him. His unfortunate new found ability to be in the right place at the right time meant that he could pulse across hemispheres and absorb whole festivals at a time. And still he seemed unmoved.

Recovery began in the Arctic, where a group of undesirable and asexual scientists began to piece together the videos from the lab, the bus, the night club and then later across the world. They would see a glowing aura appear in man form, a completely solid broken spectre with a body type which was attractive to anyone it came against. However, for these asexual scientists there was a way out.

Kev was midway through his world tour, the one he’d always imagined and so was also living out. The virus-like-protein which had engulfed him and everyone he’d come across branched and folded until he found himself in surrounded by sheets of ice, in front of a door. He knocked and entered as he saw fit. The cool of the ice outside sent waves through his expanding musculature. Before his body were the scientists, they eyed him through glass having monitored his appearance.
Kevs thoughts, or what was left of them flickered to an image of monkeys he’d seen somewhere. The veins and sinew pulsed at the window but were left unsatisfied for the first time in several years.
Behind the glass, a voice said “Open the doors.”
Out stepped a normal looking man, in a lab coat. Then a short lady, also in a lab coat. Behind Kev, the icy wind blew in from the Arctic the pneumatic doors now open, the two scientists huddled together for warmth. Kev shrank to fit the size of the room, appearing as a man again. Wind and snow whipped up between the scientists and Kev, the scientists cowered expecting the worst but nothing happened. The wind died down and a ray of sun shone through the door, illuminating the room.
“Kev! You can stop now! I understand!” shouted the male scientist.
“We know what’s happened to you Kev!” added the short female scientist.
He edged closer to them, almost consciously. The unusual glow was tempered by the Arctic cold. His face though, was warmed by the ray of light.
“Kev, we know you’re a fanny magnet. But you have to understand, if you’re in there, you have to understand… You’re all mass but no substance.” said the emboldened male scientist.
“We don’t find you attractive Kev, we’re attracted to intellect… I hope this doesn’t hurt or anger you but this must stop…”
“You can’t go on absorbing all of humanity.”
Kevs face, illuminated by the sun twitched, his eyes seemed to unglaze for a moment.
“Kev… Kev we think we know what happened to you. You created a fractal, viral protein and ingested it. It turned you into what you are now. But it can’t win. We’ve worked out a method to denature it. That’s why we’re here, Kev. The cold will freeze you and slow you down and now we’re going to have to cook you alive.”
Kevs face twitched, his body was now still and no longer glowing or massive, just reasonably proportioned.
“Only, joking Kev, we don’t need to cook you alive. But we do need to put you in very hot conditions for a few minutes.”
The two scientists took Kev by each arm, now frozen solid and statuesque, and dragged him slowly towards a chamber marked ‘Denature chamber’.
“I’m glad you could join us Kev, we’ll have you back in no time.” said the female scientist.

Kev was put through the denature chamber daily until the scientists in the Artic were sure he was rid of the fractal protein. They kept him there for a few months on the safe side and taught him about the world he’d devoured.  As Kev thawed a remarkable thing happened, something the scientists hadn’t accounted for. All of the citizens of earth which Kev had absorbed were shot back out of him at incredible speeds. When Kev returned to Edinburgh it was many years since him and JP had broken into the campus. After everything he’d been through he was determined to find trace his old life and try to explain what had happened. He met with Shannon and they got on like a house on fire, so much so that they’re now married with small kids. He found the bouncers he’d met outside the club that fateful night, they were still bouncers and doing well with the bouncing. Kev contacted the bus company and heard that the bus-driver had actually died of a heart attack months after he’d been spat out of Kev, if anything Kev had given him more time. Apparently his diet had been atrocious and he was notorious for making unauthorized stops on the bus to power smoke a fag.  The one person Kev couldn’t trace was JP, no-one could. Infact, JP was never seen nor heard of again.
The scientists in the Arctic, who essentially saved the world had a theory about that but they didn’t ever publish it or let Kev know. Perhaps you can guess what happened to JP.

Mr Hummels