It might not impress you as it did me.
The day he ran out in front of the team.
He was fat and hairy and everyone was there.
Darren was naked, but he didn’t care.

An annual event, to which we’d all gather,
and watch as the teams bathed in mud and chased bladder.
He was bold and triumphant
on a cold Scottish day
I stood back, one of thousands, completely amazed.

The teams turned to face him,
a murmur went up,
The police chased after him,
Daz, just a pup.

The microphone cracked,
a screech on the tannoy,
All of our parents facing his old boy.

A bottle of drink,
aloft in his hand,
he staggered and laughed,
just as he’d planned,
the ball at his feet,
he scooped it straight up,
and ran for the line,
and ran for the cup.

He sprinted and weaved,
approaching the touch down,
Daz dove in the air
and scored the greatest try I’ll ever see.

Around the ground,
I remember the air of disapproval,
As the police, who’d been beaten, took care of his removal.

The incident made it on to the telly,
Darren was famous for more than his belly.
And in that instant I swear I was transformed,
it was that exact moment I decided to do porn.

That’s not strictly true, that last little bit,
the truth of the matter is a little bit shit.
Darren was excluded for a couple of weeks,
bullied relentlessly and now barely speaks.

But in that short moment, he was a hero.
Brave, thankfully not erect and absolutely fearless.
He’d stood toe-to-toe with our whole community,
And showed them a thing or two about full-frontal male nudity.

I think back to that day, every year that passes,
and in the eyes all around me, I see inspired asses
A couple of drinks and we’re all considering,
a walk on the pitch and a try between the sticks,

But alas, the telly doesn’t show the event as before,
there’s a 10 second delay in case of anymore
people who witnessed the incredible sight,
of the day Darren streaked and put up a fight.