Jesus H. Christ.
This world cup will be remembered as one of the many world cups. And by football fans, one of the better world cups. Unfortunately I was unable to give an update before the knock-outs began as I was playing a football myself. Would you Adam and Eve it?

The last day of the group stages offered an interesting glimpse at the national psyche of the English. The idea that they can choose their way to the final is an interesting one and reminds me of Brexit slightly. If only they had the ambition to declare ownership of the sun, or suggest that all football cups in the future are won by England because because. The idea that other interested parties may contest their declarations hasn’t yet occurred to them. For that reason, I hope the Columbian’s give them a good spanking. And the Brexit team get a good spanking. And Scotland becomes independent, with partial ownership of the sun.

The last day of the group stages offered an interesting glimpse at the national psyche of the Japanese, I assume. I’m not living in Japan and breathing in their coverage on a day to day basis, so it would be hard for me to comment.  They did manage to qualify through yellow cards though, that is pretty mental.

Discussing England’s choice to lose, or match-fixing as it used to be known, with a fellow footballer in the park – we agreed that you will ultimately have to play a good team at the world cup. If you don’t play each game as it comes, you’ll get ahead of yourselves and lose. We hoped.

So, onto the knock-outs.
First up France vs. Argentina.
A world cup classic. As all the headlines either discuss the simultaneous exits of (spoiler alert) Messi and Ronaldo, or the transference of brilliance from Messi to Mbappe in a process only ever revealed in Space Jam – let us revel in Pavard’s goal of the tournament. Di Maria’s was good, he caught it well, but Pavard’s …
Also, Mbappe is the best player in the world now. I suppose we have to agreed with that one. Marcus Rashford should be that good, I’m sure English fans will rightly protest.

Next Uruguay vs Portugal
I didn’t think this one would be able to follow the first but it was surprisingly absorbing. Uruguay are both my team and not my team. And Portugal are not my team, so all in all it was decent. I like the way that Uruguay play as a team, hearty stuff. I also love seeing Suarez and Cavani ping the ball back and forward to score as if they’re in the park. And I also like the way Ronaldo is oblivious to his team. And Pepe’s still a cunt.

Two legends bow out, I’m glad it happened at the same time as it means we won’t be able to separate them – and that’s the way it should be.

Also a cunt is Otamendi. He’s the worst in a list that includes Ramos.

Sorry if this is aggressive in tone, I had a very long day grafting in the sun yesterday. All that still stands about England though.

Almost all of my predictions have at this point been proven wrong. I sincerely hope that England will not win the World Cup on that basis. They probably will though, just to spite me.

Mr Hummels

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