It’s fair to say that with the tight schedule of football, exhaustion is setting in – for me. I managed the big Saturday and followed it up with a big Sunday – in which Mexico beat Germany! The big Saturday was a long day with lots of football, the big Sunday was a long day with lots of football and alcohol – the way God intended. At was at this point that I was rendered unable to give you the Coca-Cola World Cup 2018 content you deserve.
I managed to see every team play their first game to some extent, and almost all of those teams have failed me to some extent, I hope you didn’t follow Mr Hummels betting guide as I did. Anyway, here is a quick round-up of the days we missed…

Day 3 – You may remember that I suggested Mitrovic was built for competition football, well it turns out that I was wrong on that one – what a donkey! Only kidding though in hindsight he did seem an outside choice for golden boot. Captain Kolarov secured the points for the Serbs in a testy nee-testis Sunday lunch affair.
Next up was Germany vs Mexico which I had the pleasure of enjoying in a Mexican cantina style pub in London. Mexico are the evergreen fans of the tournaments and didn’t disappoint in London or Russia with fans donning their national cliches with glee. Similarly, the Mexican establishment where I watched the upset was keen to push stereotypes; over capacity, poorly organised and equipped would be normally be criticisms – but this is a World Cup. In the muggy alcohol fuelled basement, it was a genuine pleasure to sweat together with the Aztecas. The two faulty TV’s added to the drama, the queuing system was exceptionally Mexican and the surprise half-time Mariachi band made for quite a performance alongside Mexico’s most famous win. It was a fabulous afternoon fiesta and a fabulous performance by the Mexican team. Drenched in corona, I found myself watching the Brazil vs Switzerland game in a slightly more sedate pub also in London. Aside from Coutinho’s wonderstrike, it was a fairly turgid affair if I remember rightly, which I probably don’t as I was slaking the pints back.

Day 4 – When it comes to nursing a hangover, little surpasses a Coca-Cola World Cup. Luckily there’s one on at the moment. So I made a poor attempt at being human and Sweden beat Korea 1-0 and then Belgium pump Panama 3-0. This was more than enough for me and I eventually opted to go out and enjoy some fresh air and light summer sunshine. Unfortunately when I came back in I managed to catch a 90th minute winner by Sir Harry Kane. As a proud Scotsman I can claim – truly and rarely- that I don’t wish any of the England team any malice. The team seems full of decent player with an onus on youth and form rather than prestige this year which is refreshing. I do hope the media malice however. Those same compliments I just paid you do not mean you will win the Coca-Cola World Cup, and they especially don’t mean you deserve to win the Coca-Cola World Cup. The 2019 Revolutionary Expropriated British Isles Liberte Squad  (2k19 REBILS for short) will pump you rotten.

Day 5 – My Hangover nursed, I now decided to at least attempt to get a job. For all I’ve played a good game here by tagging every nation – the stats are still low on MrHummels.com. Hopefully we won’t have to close up shop but if there are lay-offs we know where the axe will fall. On you, the reader.
Anyway, I pumped some CV’s out online and then settled into a surprising Colombia vs Japan game 1-2. Next up was Poland vs  Senegal – 1-2. In reality my enthusiasm for televised football had waned for these games and I spent a lot of my time inexplicably shaving the hair from my nuts. Just thought I’d give it a whirl and aside from a small nick while shaving, I think I like it. Anyway, speaking of close shaves, Russia vs Egypt was next up and the Russians let this one run slightly close to the wire even though they eventually came out victorious 3-1. Cheryshev is a player to watch when he is on a football pitch. That comment probably coming from Mark Lawrenson who is able to establish things with some certainty.

Day 6 – I spent the morning touring about Central London, attempting to get myself a job and get back in time for the Uruaguy vs Saudi Arabia game which had quality written all over it. Clearly illiteracy is holding me back, as this didn’t have quality written all over it. The Saudi’s were organised for a bunch of stoners but ultimately couldn’t beat Uruguay and Louis Suarez who is a more prolific hitman than most Saudi footballers and no Saudi pilots.
Christiano Ronaldo 1- 0 Morocco. Portugal’s insistence to force everything through Ronaldo is frustrating. This might be a criticism which we could level against Argentina and Messi but generally Messi doesn’t act like a total prick when this idiotic game plan doesn’t come off.
Day 6 of the World Cup is important for another reason though, it is the day when Mr Hummels graced a pitch again. 6 months of aggressive knee injuries and laziness are finally over as he took to a sun drenched Regent’s Park to put in a good first 45 minutes and a poor second and third 45 minutes. He returned to see Spain had fortuitously overcome Iran 1-0 through a Diego Costa ricochet. Chatting with local Londoners he was interested to hear their take on how the Iranian sanctions have effected the football team and their effort in the World Cup, moreover he didn’t speak in the third person and assumed his adopted identity – a slightly gangly long-haired Scotsman with exceptionally smooth testicles.

Day 7 – With every single muscle in my body regretting playing almost three hours of football on my return I settled down again for today’s offerings – Denmark 1- 1 Australia and France 1- 0 Peru. Still no Jamie Maclaren, though it was almost made up for by a superb rising Erikson volley. And still no Peru goal – which means no more Peru for the competition. Lets hope that Maclaren will feature in the last game for Australia and knock out Denmark with a tap-in otherwise Group C will have been a nightmare. Peru who have been excellent falling to either Australia or Denmark is a shame, you can tell that I am a Scottish fan because I recognize a good losing side. If Maclaren doesn’t feature then there will have been no Hibernian representatives at the World Cup this year which would be sacrilegious. Anyway, Argentina vs Croatia is on going so I’m off to grab a slice of Messi pie. You may have to settle for Round-ups in future because I’m at my wits end with all this football. I can barely even remember my own name. Also, there’s really good video summaries available if you need actual coverage. I wouldn’t come hear for my journalistic prowess. In fact, I don’t know why I would come here, but there you go.

Until the next time.
Mr Hummels

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