The greatest players in the world have assembled.
The teams have been announced.
Now, we all wait…

 

 

Now that the worlds greatest have assembled at the G7 and SCO and ordained to let us have our fun, we may prepare for the biggest event the world has ever seen – not impending nuclear war, wide spread revolution, the complete mechanization of humankind, or the bourgeois-Mars-colony-failure, but the FIFA World Cup 2018.

This will be the last glimmer of enjoyment we can all hope for, but probably be disappointed with, until IT finally happens. A nice lollypop before the man in the van takes you for a ride.
Sorry.

It is hard not to focus on the impending doom when your nation isn’t at the World Cup. Thankfully England are at the World Cup, so we can all focus on impending doom for them instead. Excitement has been almost palpable, not quite palpable though, if we’re honest. This years cup feature some huge omissions – Italy, Holland, Chile, USA, China, Wales, Scotland and Sepp Blatter to name but a few. This is the first World Cup which I have been able to remember which hasn’t featured Sepp Blatter at the helm, thankfully there will be an end to the widespread corruption. (I was only 4 in 1994 and but a foetus in 1990).

While a strange mix of teams could lead to an overall disappointment, I and many others are still hoping for a gleeful, childish goal fest.  The trend of organised and compact lesser teams doing well and sitting behind the ball will hopefully be defeated by the glittering attacking threats offered up by the local paramilitaries. This is ostensibly the last World Cup to feature the two greatest attacking talents ever to grace a football pitch – Lionel Messi’s left foot and Lionel Messi’s right foot.

Build up has risen sharply today, (I ought to wash). The Spanish manager has been sacked before the cup has even began. This could be a preemptive move by the Spanish FA who sense that Spain are likely to disappoint, or it could be because he was an idiot and publicly accepted the Real Madrid job days before the start of the campaign. I’m sure there are many Spanish fans who sympathise and would rather Madrid were at the world cup anyway.

In other build up news, the 2026 is to be hosted by the good guys again – US, Canada (and Mexico). If we all make through Russia and survive Qatar we can hopefully forget this ever happened. Expect a strong Empire bids back as a UK, Australia and British Virgin Isles will win 2030 and African countries of our choosing win after that, maybe. As a total aside, I’d recommend Frankie goes to Russia which was recently on the BBC recently.  While Frankie is certainly woke – he is western woke. (A wokey. – Don’t know where these Star Wars puns are coming from? (Can we really be so optimistic about our ‘western values’? (We probably can, also now is not the time in this article to debate the deplorable human rights abuses and superpowers.( If it was I’d have to mention the first game.))))

Ah yes, the opening match of the 2018 World Cup. Return of the Sith, as it became known. It does seem fitting that Russia and Saudi Arabia ushers in a dark new age of football – complete with VAR. We will be able to see every human rights abuse again and again, before the pressured referee inevitably comes to the wrong decision. Anyway, it will be a spectacle!

My well of pithy one-liners is almost at its end, like a well tapered hormone programme we will move to the main event seamlessly and undetected.

Predictions –

(I did try and find the relevant flag emojis but it was too horrible.)

Group A – This could be one of the tightest groups going, Uruguay should progress in top spot with any of the other three managing to scrape the other place but probably Egypt or Russia. Saudi Arabia will probably surprise but may not win a game.
1st – Uruguay, 2nd – Egypt.

Group B – I think Morocco and Iran are the obvious favorite to progress here. Progress to the bin, that is. Wey-oh! Banter alert!
1st – Spain, 2nd – Portugal.

Group C – France are the obvious favorites with Peru probably scraping second. I hope that Australia and now former Hibernian striker, Jamie Maclaren can bang some goals in. I’d expect that Tim Cahill will keep him out though, apparently there’s this whole controversy about the Australian team and marketing rights owned by Caltex (Or Cahilltex as it is known for the duration of the world cup.) and Cahill getting an initial call-up instead of Maclaren. Suspicious. Denmark are a dark horse and could keep Peru out.
1st – France , 2nd – Peru.

Group D – Argentina could come a cropper unexpectedly but I’d imagine it will happen later than the group stages. Another tight group, as we saw in the Euro’s Iceland are better than England. Nigeria are no mugs and Croatia won’t roll over. I’d love to see Nigeria progress but I think the Croatia midfield will be too graceful. The midfield pairing of Modric and Rakitic are definitely the blondest, most el-classico encompassing midfield pair in the World Cup.
1st – Argentina, 2nd – Croatia

Group E – Overall favorites Brazil shouldn’t have a hard time against any of the shitmunchers here. I think Serbia will edge the others, Mitrovic looks like he’s born for a World Cup and the Matic – Malincovic-Savic pairing may a Man Utd pair we see next year.
1st – Brazil, 2nd – Serbia.

Group F – Germany will be expected to reach the final again, but that would mean that there are three teams in the final?! Fuck you, Germany, you’re out. They will progress with ease alongside Mexico. In an alternate universe, Sweden wins this year as Zlatan decided he could be bothered. Mexico will likely win best fans this year now that the clamouring Irish aren’t there.
1st Germany, 2nd – Mexico.

Group G – This a tasty one, Belgium and England being the obvious favorites to progress. Can England fuck it up in the Group stages, I doubt it. Hopefully they’ll drop points against Tunisia though.
1st – Belgium, 2nd – England.

Group H – Colombia should top the group alongside Poland – that game will probably offer some of the best patter – support-wise – of the cup. World Cup favorites Japan and Senegal will unlikely progress.
1st – Colombia, 2nd – Poland.

Knock – Outs – This is getting tedious and I hope is appreciated, somewhere.

1C – France vs 2D – Croatia = France
1A – Uruguay vs 2B – Portugal = Portugal
1B – Spain vs 2A – Egypt = Spain
1D – Argentina vs 2C – Peru = Argentina
1E – Brazil vs 2F – Mexico = Brazil
1G – Belgium vs Poland = Belgium
1F – Germany vs 2E – Serbia = Germany
1H – Columbia vs 2G – England = Colombia

That took ages to actually do.

Quarter-Finals

QF 1 – France vs Portugal = Portugal – Penalties *Upset alert!*
QF 2 – Spain vs Argentina = Argentina – Messi vs Ronaldo ALERT! BIGGEST GAME IN HISTORYAHAHHHH!!!
QF 3 – Brazil vs Belgium = Brazil
QF4 – Germany vs Columbia = Germany *Revenge Alert!*

Semi-Finals
SF 1 – Portugal vs Argentina = Argentina. Messi is crowned the best player to play.
SF 2 – Germany vs Brazil = Brazil. Neymar’s revenge.

Third/Fourth Play-off
Portugal vs Germany = Germany. Poor old Ronaldo.

Final
Argentina vs Brazil = The Biggest game in the history of world football.

Argentina win the world cup. Messi gets an 89′ minute goal. I physically shit myself.

This may have gotten away from me a little and become fan-fiction. I will be betting on this though, if you would like to share in my joy send me money and I can put on the bets for us. It’ll be easier.

Return to MrHummels for all your Coca-Cola FIFA World Cup 2018 news, or don’t, the choice is yours. Don’t expect daily updates though, that would be pretty hard.

Though I don’t yet have a job so it is a distinct possiblity.

Winky face.

MrHummels

x

P.S. I may not have mentioned this but as someone who has actually been to a world cup I’m pretty well qualified to make these predictions. If you have an octopus which you think could beat me, please send it to MRHUMMELS.com/octopus