Production
I close the door behind me and turn inward.
Literally, my sanctuary.
Me.
My feet face the back wall of the shed, underneath me the starkness of kitchen floors which I fitted especially. To deal with the mess.
My latest subject is a real doll.
She is propped in front of me on a three-legged stool. Her dress is already bloodied.
I put the lights on and lock the door behind me. The light streaks through the window by our side, I take a couple of paces and turn gently to the right and pull down the blackout blind I fitted. The overgrown hedge on the other side quickly disappears.
Tonight will be important.
I walk past her to the bench at the far end and take stock of my implements.
I have my equipment laid out neatly, labeled like either a professional or an amateur, I’m not sure which. Anyway, that is the way I like to do things.
I turn on my heel and face her, the back of her head lays slumped across one shoulder, her hair is matted and uncombed.
I take a brush from behind me and carefully get her hair as I would like it.
Every detail matters.
Since putting down the blind, the walls and lights take on an austere shine. Noticeably clean and bright.
I move her, slowly bending her finger around a what I brought for her.
A copy of fifty shades of grey now sits limply in her hands, propped open and resting on her knee. The folds of her long white skirt sit stagnantly over her bent knee.
I check the lighting and my angles and begin the ceremony.
I have now put on my mask and gloves. The mask of the king. Taken from Burger King. Gloves given to me by my mother, pink marigolds.
I enter stage left with one long step and place the pineapple on her head, I step back with a bow.
The camera on the tripod captures this close in.
In shot I see the pineapple resting above her brow at the top and at the bottom the top of her book pokes into shot. Her considerable bust is the main focus.
The camera I step past takes in the whole tragic scene. I would have liked more space however I have managed to create a space which is adequate.
I begin the sequence as I had rehearsed it. Planned it. Dreamt it.
I listen to the guiding voices in my head, a chanting choir. In latin.
I step back into the shot, accompanied this time, by my sword.
The first stroke is the most important, it must split the pineapple without hitting the roof. I take on the stance of a Samurai, the sword erect between my cocked elbows. The BK mask is causing some visual impairment but it is necessary. With all my might I straighten my arms, uncocking with the control one expects from a samurai. The sword carves her forehead and the pineapple.
Red flows over her face and across her dress. From behind the mask I can tell it is a success so I proceed with the rest of my plan. Kicking the stool from under her and hacking of her breasts to reveal the pineapples I had planted there. I feel the stickiness from the pineapple on the grip of the sword.
She lies in front of me, suitably dismembered, pineapple everywhere.
I assume the posture of the ninja again and bow and I take two backward steps out of shot.
I quickly review the footage, the first pineapple, the one which I had injected with dye seems to have done the trick. The mannequin lies convincingly in pineappled charity shop clothes, resting on her plastic hip legs bent at the knees. The stool shows no obvious damage.
Post-Production
I put the final touches on the video and allow myself a chance to watch it.
“Fruit Ninja”
I hurriedly find the email addresses I had looked out for this masterpiece;
Theman@delmonte.com
Ninja@fruitninjamedia.com
King@burgerking.com
Mary@marigold.com
erika@eljamesauthor.com
I type the message I’ve written especially and press send.
I object to you, and/or the property/company which you represent.
The following is a direct consequence of your actions.
Do attempt to respond or contact the authorities or further consequences will be brought upon you and others.
Yours,
Associated Persecuted Pineapples for Liberty and Literary Excellence
(APPLLE)
Formerly
the Pina Collective
Headline
Terrorist Group Threatens British Diet Values in sick new video
The Sun
Art gone sour?
The Guardian
APPLLE mean business
BBC News
Shed Story #1
Mr Hummels
MrHummels 