I spent the early afternoon in an area of Edinburgh called Morningside. There, I was lucky enough to come across a passionate a cappella rap battle between two white haired woman in their mid sixties. I managed to record and transcribe the back and forth but have since been hacked and had the recording stolen. I hope this gets out before something bad happens, I’m starting to fear for my life.

Notice an egg sandwich wrapper,
Front seat of a Fiat Panda,
Accompanied by a stethoscope,
That’s when it struck me – I’m in Morningside yo.
Morningside. I’m in Morningside.
Morningside. I’m in morningside yo!

Then ah see – a national trust sticker,
Made ma thoughts flicker,
tongue run quicker.
These ain’t the words of your average wigga.
Gettin’ disapprovin’ looks occasionally,
Possibly because I chat colloquially,
And My hair too long, marginally,
Sometimes I don’t shop locally.
But when do hit up the local branches,
You be sure its Waitrose and it goddamn romantic!
Queue behind punters who are barely standin’,
For bargains their zimmer faster than my first punch landin’!
But damn, you know that it ain’t demandin’
Being rich and old and cruisin’ like we Jean Claude Van Daaaaamnnnnn

(Instrumental)

Now i’m out on the streets and you know that shits autumnal,
Got a build up of leaves like a muthafuckin drum roll.
And I’m back on the bus cos its an excellent route,
Dat old numba 5 save ma wizzened foot.
And I read all is the classics cos that’s a worthwhile book,
Buy them charity cuz cos there’s alot aboot.
Well read pensioners
be dyin’ and donatin’
All the while I’m ridin’
And some poor african fools I’m savin’.
Morningside, I’m in morningside.
Morningside, this the morningside dub!

Sometimes I look at the world and I wonder,
thoughts encouraged by paperback Camus and Satre,
But I put that existensial shit all behind me,
Cos a got expensive house, privately educated grandchildren and lots of money.
That’s why I moved up north, straight to Edinburgh,
My house price risin’ all the time’
And Ma healthcare thorough!
And freeee!
you know I’m always savin’
I approve of corporal punishment if them kids be misbehavin’
Waitress might be good, she expecting tippin’
It’s your job underclasswoman, you know you straight trippin!
I got a small place in London,
Go down so as I can occasionally visit my cousin,
You may have heard of him yeah?
Yeah, it’s David fuckin Cameron!
I voted No.
I didn’t fancy the upheaval,
if it were up to me I’d give minorities the heave ho!
Well, I suppose I wouldn’t really,
I just wasn’t worried,
I’ll be in the ground before we sorted out the pound or another currency.
And the current crisis, Syrian,
You know it got me worryin’
Donatin’ clothing and beddin’
Good excuse for a autumn spring cleanin’
Now ya feelin it
Cos we’re in Morningside…
Morningside.
Morningside, yo.

It was at this point the gang of elderly woman, who stood erect with excellent posture, turned on me. Most were wearing lambs wool cardigans, some were polo necks, almost all had a slight pure gold chain over the top of their woollen-wear, perhaps this was some kind of Gang dress. All were appropriately dressed for the weather.

Mr Hummels